The Howling of the Soul
by D. Royce Fitts, D. Min., LMFT
by D. Royce Fitts, D. Min., LMFT
always, it seems, as the winter winds whips across the prairie, i am drawn to wonder about her…i wonder how she is…what she ended up doing…did she heal…enough?
i recall, one day in a session…she was quite, emotionally frozen…weeping softly…it seemed that any movement i did would startle her beyond repair…in her silence, i thought of a scripture story…a jesus story, one that today, eludes me as i am writing…something about gentle compassion, i am sure…something about the yearning and healing of a soul….
so, i quietly say, “i am going to move to my bookshelf…get my new testament and read you a story”…in whispering movements, i walk across the room and take my favorite, wrinkled paperback new testament and let the pages fall open to this now forgotten story…i remember reading to her…wanting her to just stay still and know…what? that she is more than the anguish she feels…that she is accepted just as she feels…that someone, maybe me, maybe jesus, maybe herself most of all, will accept her wounded, yearning soul to become alive again…
and that is how she described herself, not alive, but dead…
dead in her soul…
and, now as i am writing, i remember the jesus story!!
the story…lazarus!
the dead guy that jesus rose from the dead, that jesus cried about because, it seems, jesus was a good friend of lazarus, maybe even a cousin, i hear…
and, the story goes, that when jesus heard about his friend dying, jesus wept…that’s all…
just wept,
simple, painful, beautiful tears…
jesus wept…
“the shortest verse in the bible”, we were taught in sunday school…
of course, as the scripture legend goes, it does not end here, or there…that jesus broke the rules of life and death…that jesus went to the tomb, perhaps, sobbing…and jesus bellowed out his grief…”lazarus, come here!!”…and the folks around, family, friends, others yelled back, “no! he stinketh! for he has been dead three days!”…but, it did not matter…the rules of death, and the rules of family, friends, others did not matter…
lazarus came forth, from the voice of a loving friend and cousin…
“unwrap him!” jesus yelled…for he was all wrapped up, as a mummy…unable to freely move…breathe…live…
one deep winter night when she could not sleep, when, even in indiana where she lived, the winds blew fierce through the forests and across the farmlands…she wrote in her journal, “i can’t sleep…all i hear is the howling of the wind…it feels like my soul…”
“the howling of my soul…”
haunting, haunting this was to me…and that was near twenty years ago…
and, now, the howling of the winds blows across this january land…bringing wonders and prayers for her…
and for all of us who know what it is like to die and come back to life again…
before i left indiana to come here to this priarie land, she renamed herself…unwrapped the bonds around her soul…she created a new family, new friends, new rules to live by…she called herself from her own tomb, with a new name, a new self…she called herself (and this is not her full new name, for her privacy and identity are preserved)
“free”…
yes, free…
and, on this deep winter january day, to her, i bow…
–
Dr. D. Royce Fitts
***********************************
Sign-up for my F.REE Monthly Newsletter and Receive this F.REE article: “How to Manage Stress Through Understanding Your Dreams!”
Just click to my website to sign-up: www.LivingWithMeaning.com
Thanks!
D. Royce Fitts, D. Min., LMFT
Spiritual Counselor and Psychotherapist
email: drfitts@livingwithmeaning.com
PO Box 363
Gering, NE 69341
Tel: (308) 436.2224
Cell: (308) 631.2398
Free Monthly Newsletter
November 2009
Mid-Life At The Oasis!
Dreams And Our Longing For Meaning
by Dr. D. Royce Fitts,
Spiritual Counselor and Psychotherapist
Tel: 308.436.2224
In this issue:
1) New! “How To Survive The Holidays” Video!
2) Upcoming Dream Workshops, Retreats and Speaking Events
3) Counseling and Consulting Services
3) Counseling and Consulting Services
4) Newsletter Archives
5) November’s Newsletter Article: Dreams And Our Longing For Meaning
.
.
NEW! – “HOW TO SURVIVE THE HOLIDAYS” VIDEO!
Happy Holidays?? Who Are You Kidding?
Learn how to survive all those holiday expectations and live to smile about it! It’s f.ree and waiting on you to view by clicking here.
Upcoming Dream Work Events:
November 6-7, 2009, Denver, CO: Rocky Mountain/Plains Fall Regional Meeting of the American Association of Pastoral Counselors. Royce will be leading an introductory workshop on Projective Dream Work on Saturday, Nov. 7. For more information, email drfitts@livingwithmeaning.com.
New! Please register soon! January 15-17, 2010, Pendle Hill Retreat and Conference Center, Wallingford, PA (near Philadelphia). This beautiful and historic Quaker center serves as the perfect winter setting for dreaming and deep dream work. The warmth of a fire, the trust of a circle of Friends invites us to experience a weekend of spiritual growth, healing and restoration of our souls through the gentle process of Projective Dream Work. Royce leads us through the weekend entitled: In Your Dreams!! Let the Dreams of Your Life Create the Life of Your Dreams! For more information, go to this Pendle Hill web-page: http://pendlehill.org/workshops/winter-2010/217-in-your-dreams, or email drfitts@livingwithmeaning.com .
Counseling, Retreat and Workshop Services:
Are you disturbed or curious about the meanings of your dreams? Are you spiritually exhausted, experiencing depression or anxiety in your soul? Are you missing fulfillment or direction in your life and work? Are your relationships wounding and difficult?
I offer face-to-face or telephone sessions to explore with you and help you create healing through these difficult situations and experiences.
Or, if you are seeking to understand dreams and would like to sponsor or attend a retreat or workshop, please call me at 308.436.2224 or email drfitts@livingwithmeaning.com to learn more about retreats and workshops. You may also click here for more information.
Newsletter Archives:
Have you ever wished you could locate a previous newsletter that contained an interesting article?
I am pleased to announce you now have access to previous month’s newsletters on my web site at http://www.livingwithmeaning.com/newsletter_archives.php
November Newsletter Article:
Mid-Life At The Oasis!
Dreams And Our Longing For Meaning
Mid-life, as they say, is a crisis! Sometimes one big crisis. Sometimes a whole mess of ‘em. No matter how often we are reminded that the flow of life demands we fire our retro-rockets to take the necessary corrective actions to stay on course, or, perhaps, more often, to take a new course–alas, we forget!
Sure, we are told time and time again, it is a time for soul searching, this mid-life thing. It will make us better; a better woman, a better man. It will make us more honest, have more integrity. Our inner self will more match the outer self, or visa versa, or something like that.
It, also, as one man recently told me, sucks. “Mid-life hurts”, he said. “It takes way too long to get better…”.
I had worked in therapy with a family for several years, each partner exploring the various and important stories of their respective families of origin, seeking to “make it better” for their children, seeking to heal some of their wounds in order to not “accidentally” inflict these wounds upon their children. It ain’t easy, is it? One of their children cooperated enormously by misbehaving in some very creative ways to keep her parents in therapy. I owe her. Her parents owe her much more!
One day, when the children were not in the session, the husband and wife sought some ”adult time”, as I call it. The dad, Daniel, as I will call him, was depressed. He was a health care professional at the top of his game. He had the respect, admiration and even some envy of his colleagues. The people he cared for deeply appreciated his professional knowledge and caring skill. He was a kind of artist in his craft. In fact, one of the loves of his life was to relax by playing classical music on his old grand piano. A-hhh…such a life of meaning…maybe.
What was it? What drove him to work all those hours? What never let him say ”no” to the increasing demands from his work? Why was he angry at times for no, or little, reason? He felt taken advantage of by the ”powers that be”, not being listened to, even challenged that he was not holding up to his end of the bargain, the contracts. ”What?!”, he would exclaim, “me, not doing my share?”. And he was, doing more than his share. But, something was amiss. He was not being accredited for all his work. “Productivity”, as they called it, was down. No matter what, he could not please “them”, his superiors, his bosses, and even worse, his inner self.
Depression. It is a good thing. No, really, it is. I sometimes tell clients, after they describe their life situation to me, that if they weren’t depressed, they’d be crazy! What they are describing is depressing. Depression is a healthy response to an unhealthy situation.
And then, one night Daniel dreamed…
I am in the living room with my father, visiting…he is younger, maybe in his 50’s… I am present age …suddenly, I hear a loud racket and into the room bursts a small boy, maybe 5 or 6 years of age… I do not know him… he skirted through the living room, through the door of the adjoining kitchen…the child appeared strong and fast…his steps were deliberate and loud … I turned toward my father, in amazement,and asked, “who was that?” … my father, perplexed, responded, “ I don’t know”…we trailed behind this determined child into the kitchen…the minute he spotted us, he bolted out the door into the hallway and up the stairs … amazed, I stated, “that little guy is fast”…as we were staring at each other, I asked “what is that kid’s problem?”…
at the next moment we both heard a loud banging noise from the upstairs…we scurried up the flight of stairs and found the young child in one of the bedrooms…as we entered the bedroom it seemed we had him cornered…this is when I was able to get my first look at the boy…he was a handsome, well-featured child but with a sad, hallowed look and pale, sunken eyes…as we approached carefully, much to our dismay, the little youngster skirted between the two of us into another bedroom in the house…he did this at least three more times…the second level of this house was becoming all to familiar … I wondered, as my father did, when would the resolve of this little one finally wear down?…
at last, at the end of the long hallway, the little boy was trapped beneath a modern-looking chair with thin, metal legs…he crouched beneath this chair, almost in a fetal position…we approached, with utmost trepidation, this desperate boy….the first question I asked was, “what do you want?”…as the tears quickly welled-up in his eyes, he calmly stated, in a mostly flattened tone, “I just want you to love me”…in utter disbelief, of my own ignorance, a spark of recognition tugged at my soul… I realized this little boy was me…immediately I swooped up the child into my arms and stated, most emphatically, “of course I’ll love you!”… my father, who was looking on, said nothing, but also had tears flowing down his cheeks…then I awakened…
“I began to make sense of the dream”, Daniel said, ”and apply it to solving my current life-issues. I had to embrace this journey, as unpleasant as it was. I learned that I must begin the process of accepting myself. My contentment in life had to have a deeper meaning, not like the fizz and pop from opening a can of carbonated cola….The aftermath of this dream led me down a path often muddy and full of potholes. It forced me to see myself as I really was and to share this with my best friend in life, my wife. As difficult as it was, it was at this point, I began to reassign my priorities in life and make some meaningful changes. It has been a long two year journey…In my darkest hours I sometimes pondered whether it was all worth it, but, I knew in the end, my efforts at self-cleansing and forgiveness, it would eventually pay off with substantial dividends. Through the demands of my work, I realized that I often ignored the emotional needs of my family. I hoped they would forgive me, but most of all, I had to forgive myself.”
Yes. Yes. Yes. What more could be said? There are, of course, numerous avenues to explore this amazing dream. You know that. I call a dream like this “a big dream”, “a medicine dream”, that truly comes to heal, to change the dreamer. Only through the brooding moods of searing depression can the soul burn away the stuff that doesn’t matter, the matter that blocks, clogs the spiritual flow of life. Burning purifies. It makes us long for our heart’s deepest desire. It makes us leap beyond our assumed capability. The dream invites us to love, our self, our little world of life…and, to break the rules of the distorted, wounded world called “productivity”.
.
Let’s be in gratitude for this dream, this longing, this Thanksgiving…
Royce
Free Monthly Newsletter
October 2009
Venus Rising
How Curiosity and Wonder Changes You, Me…and God (?)
by Dr. D. Royce Fitts,
Spiritual Counselor and Psychotherapist
email: drfitts @ livingwithmeaning.com
Tel: (308) 436-2224
Cell: (308) 631-2398
“The meanings of our lives and the meaning of our dreams are mirrors of each other.”
- Dr. D. Royce Fitts
In this issue:
1) Upcoming Dream Workshops, Retreats and Speaking Events
2) Counseling and Consulting Services
3) Newsletter Archives
4) October’’s Newsletter Article: Venus Rising, How Curiosity and Wonder Changes You, Me…and God (?)
Upcoming Events:
October 15-17, 2009, Casper WY: Wyoming Counseling Association Annual Conference. Friday, Oct. 16, Royce will be speaking and leading an experiential workshop entitled: In Your Dreams!! Let the Dreams of Your Life Create the Life of Your Dreams! If you are a Health Care Professional and need to get more Continuing Education Units, check out this website for the full and exceptional agenda of this conference: www.wyoca.org. For more information, go to this web-page or email drfitts@livingwithmeaning.com.
New! October 24, 2009, Gillette, WY: First Presbyterian Church of Gillette. Royce will be leading an all-day Saturday workshop open to everyone entitled: In Your Dreams!! Let the Dreams of Your Life Create the Life of Your Dreams! For more information, email drfitts@livingwithmeaning.com or Rev. Peggy Brown revpeg_gw@yahoo.com.
New! November 6-7, 2009, Denver, CO: Rocky Mountain/Plains Fall Regional Meeting of the American Association of Pastoral Counselors. Royce will be leading an introductory workshop on Projective Dream Work on Saturday, Nov. 7. For more information, email drfitts@livingwithmeaning.com.
New! January 15-17, 2010, Pendle Hill Retreat and Conference Center, Wallingford, PA (near Philadelphia): This beautiful and historic Quaker center serves as the perfect winter setting for dreaming and deep dream work. The warmth of a fire, the trust of a circle of Friends invites us to experience a weekend of spiritual growth, healing and restoration of our souls through the gentle process of Projective Dream Work. Royce leads us through the weekend entitled: In Your Dreams!! Let the Dreams of Your Life Create the Life of Your Dreams! For more information, go to the Pendle Hill website or email drfitts@livingwithmeaning.com.
*****************************
Counseling, Retreat and Workshop Services:
Are you disturbed or curious about the meanings of your dreams?
Are you spiritually exhausted, experiencing depression or anxiety in your soul?
Are you missing fulfillment or direction in your life and work?
Are your relationships wounding and difficult?
I offer face-to-face or telephone sessions to explore with you and help you create healing through these difficult situations and experiences.
Or, if you are seeking to understand dreams and would like to sponsor or attend a retreat or workshop, please call me at 308.436.2224 or email drfitts@livingwithmeaning.com to learn more about my counseling and consulting services. You may also click here for more information.
************************************
New! Newsletter Archives:
Have you ever wished you could locate a previous newsletter that contained an interesting article?
************************************
October Newsletter Article:
It is October and I must share an autumn wonder with you…before it goes away.
Perhaps some of you know I live in an area of western Nebraska that is a kind of “secret place”.
It is hidden, invisible to most citizens and travelers who generally think of Nebraska as that vast ribbon of highway, Inter-state 80, that goes careening 500 miles, boundary to boundary, across the oh-so-flat priarie and river bottoms of the North Platte River. This river has always been a pathway for travelers, for ancient and contemporary nomads seeking, for good or ill, their adventure and livelihood.
But, somewhere north of I-80, I shall not say exactly where, is a region of rugged sandstone bluffs and deep canyons that, for the few who know about it and call it home, is filled with beauty and wonder. The eastern and western skies are forever. Stand on a bluff and you shall see…yes, that’’s it! You shall see…! See.
And so, I invite you to see. I ask you to join me in this ancient land for a moment. I invite you to take this moment to experience a wonder that, I swear, will affect you, make you wonder, will rip boredom and complacency out of your life for a second or two…will give you awe.
Venus is now the morning star…and will be for a while yet, then will become the evening sentry in a few months. But, now get up with me at 4:45 AM. Drag yourself out of your dreams! and spend an hour staring at the eastern horizon…at a place without trees. You will see… wonder rising in the east…
Venus Rising – How Curiosity and Wonder Changes You, Me…and God (?)
I wonder…
does Creator notice tiny moments of Creation? Does Creator, perhaps, through our soul, experience moments of wonder and beauty? About you? Even me? And, so, on this October morning, hours before dawn, I wonder…I gaze at the eastern horizon and see Venus rising. I am filled with wonder. I, without trying, begin to pray…
Good Morning, God,
early this morning, caring not to sleep, I see
Venus rising…
across the rugged canyons, beyond the open prairie, barely above the ponderosa pines,
the brilliant orange/white light touches her sister, Earth…
and me.
Do you know of this, God? Do you see what I see?
Does Venus rising
touch you, too?
I wonder about the wonder,
the vastness of T’unjkasila,
the Lakota words for
all that is…
I wonder about you, God,
the all that is…
Can a tiny moment of light, a simple reflection of the sun bouncing off a piece of planetary rock
delight you?
the all that is,
like it delights me?
Does Venus rising
inspire you, change you, make you see and feel this moment of wonder?
like it does me?
I hope so, God…
I hope that Venus rising this early morn
touches you,
makes you feel the wonder of
all that is
and reflects this light of oneness of you, me and
all that is…
Autumn blessings to all we are…
Royce
Copyright Dr. D. Royce Fitts 2009. All Rights Reserved.
Free Monthly Newsletter
September 2009
A Necessary Adventure
What Projection, Meditation and an Amazing Neighbor Have in Common
by Dr. D. Royce Fitts,
Spiritual Counselor and Psychotherapist
email: drfitts @ livingwithmeaning.com
Tel: (308) 436-2224
Cell: (308) 631-2398
In this issue:
1) Upcoming Workshops, Retreats and Speaking Events
2) September’s Newsletter Article: A Necessary Adventure
Upcoming Events:
Oct. 15-17, 2009: Wyoming Counseling Association Annual Conference, Casper WY. Friday, Oct. 16, I will be speaking and leading an experiential workshop on: In Your Dreams!! Let the Dreams of Your Life Create the Life of Your Dreams! Check out this website for the full and exceptional agenda of this conference.
November 6-8, 2009, Boise, ID: The Geography of Your Soul: Exploring Your Dreams, Excavating Your Stories, Healing Your Heart…a gentle weekend journey of dream work and psychotherapy for spiritual and personal growth led by Dr. Royce Fitts. Sponsored by Sacred Door and Angie Billings. Call (308.436.2224) or email me for more info.
*****************************
If you would like more information or to schedule a spiritual counseling or psychotherapy session, workshop, retreat or speaking engagement, please call (308.436.2224) or email me.
If you did not receive July’s or August’s Newsletter, just email me or (new!) just go to my website and scroll down to the “archives” button.
************************************
September, 2009 Newsletter Article:
A Necessary Adventure – What Projection, Meditation and an Amazing Neighbor Have in Common
Almost every day I watch her greet the dawn.
Ever so silent, she holds her gaze to the eastern light. I am invited to wonder by her gaze. What does she see? What does she hear? Does light have sound? Can she hear the sun’s light rising, streaking across the morning sky? Does she see the shadows of light and darkness play and interplay across the landscape?
The canyons, before dawn, are dark and brooding. As she watches the light come, the canyon’s secrets of the night before are released for her to see. She watches intently, perched on the wood pile, on the edge of a canyon, darting eyes scan all that lies before her.
She meditates. Drawing balance into her self and soul for this new day. She returns gratitude to the sun, appreciation for this light of awe.
I do not disturb her. I seek to be as silent as the new light she is watching. I cannot help but follow her gaze. I cannot help but be in wonder about this moment she is beholding. I am in awe. She invites me to be, and I accept this invitation, without questioning these possibilities. She can and so shall I.
One day, when we were hiking these canyons, she bolted off in her own direction, chasing wild coyote cousins down and through the draws and arroyos. I called her back, but she was on her necessary adventure and pretended not to hear. My other companions, dog neighbors, too, stayed close, not seeing and chasing what she saw.
Where is she? Will she be safe? Sometimes safety and necessary adventure do not go hand in hand.
Later, as we hiked far to the canyon’s other side, I looked up to see her rushing back to me, and to her regular dog companions. Her eyes afraid, her tongue hanging out in a mixture of exhaustion and anxiety. She stopped, felt safer now with all her friends, and turned to face the direction from where she came. Two coyote cousins stood not far, having chased her back and, laughing in trickster glee, counted coup on this adventurous one who, perhaps, learned a lesson from these wild relatives.
Speaking of cousins and wild relatives, projection and meditation seem to be cousins, too. When we are conscious of our inner projections, when we are intentional in exploring a dream with a community of trusted companions, we are, I believe, on a journey of meditation. We are engaged in a curious and compassionate purpose to enlighten ourselves and others to the wonder and healing of life. Projection and meditation invite us to explore deeply the unwritten story of our souls. How else are we to know, except to explore? How else are we to grow, except to take the chances of our lifetime, to create the chances of our lifetime. What if my friend, the dog above, had not followed her curiosity, what would she have learned?
Projection and meditation have a dangerous edge. Unconscious projection is more dangerous still, raining havoc and death on innocents. We know people and governments that make alive the nightmares and terrors of the night.
I invite you to meditate and intentionally project with all the consciousness you can muster. Perhaps do it at dawn, on a wood pile overlooking a canyon. Welcome the morning light. Listen to the silence. Draw balance into yourself and soul for this new day. Hold the day in gratitude.
What stories and dreams and lives can you create if you give yourself permission to explore and seek your necessary adventure in the canyons of your soul?
Will you meet your wild relatives?
I wonder…
Blessings this September,
Royce
Free Monthly Newsletter
August 2009
How to Change the World -
One Dream at a Time
by Dr. D. Royce Fitts,
Spiritual Counselor and Psychotherapist
email: drfitts @ livingwithmeaning.com
Tel: (308) 436-2224
Cell: (308) 632-2398
In this issue:
1) Upcoming Workshops, Retreats and Speaking Events
2) August’s Newsletter Article: How to Change the World–One Dream at a Time…
Upcoming Events:
August 9-13, 2009: I am honored to be assisting Dr. Jeremy Taylor in a retreat at the historic Quaker Pendle Hill Retreat and Conference Center, near Philadelphia, PA. Theme: Unlocking the Creative Power of Dreams.
Oct. 15-17, 2009: Wyoming Counseling Association Annual Conference, Casper WY. Friday, Oct. 16, I will be speaking and leading an experiential workshop on: In Your Dreams!! Let the Dreams of Your Life Create the Life of Your Dreams! Check out this website for the full and exceptional agenda of this conference.
Oct. 23-25, 2009, Boise, ID: The Geography of Your Soul: Exploring Your Dreams, Excavating Your Stories, Healing Your Heart…a gentle weekend journey of dream work and psychotherapy for spiritual and personal growth led by Dr. Royce Fitts. Sponsored by Sacred Door and Angie Billings. Call (308.436.2224) or email me for more info.
*****************************
If you would like more information or to schedule a session, workshop, retreat or speaking engagement, please call (308.436.2224) or email me.
If you did not receive July’s Newsletter, Your Inner Summer, How to Keep Your Cool When Others Make You Hot!! and would like to, just email me.
*****************************
August’s Newletter:
How to Change the World–One Dream at a Time…
by Dr. Royce Fitts
Spiritual Counselor and Psychotherapist
Her dream, as I remember it ( and used here with her permission) dealt with courses of lush, green, leafy salads (many salads! not just one measly dinner salad!), fruits, vegetables, salad condiments and warm, creamy soup. There was more! Beautiful displays of other appetizing nourishment’s filled the very large formal dinning table. Many people were in attendance. All were eating, enjoying this amazing bounty. All seemed to be eating quickly. Attentive servants stood by, rushing to fill empty plates and bring more salads to all. Except, for the dreamer who was not in a rush. She ate slowly, slowly…savoring the taste of each lush leaf, the condiments, the warm, creamy soup. Servants lined up behind her, waiting for her to finish the plate so another could be delivered. She ate slowly, ever so slowly…the servants seemed impatient, dressed in their formal tuxedo wear, wanting to rush her along with the rest of the guests of this formal dinning experience…
And, just what does this dream mean?
Go ahead, do it! Guess! Throw out your best wonders, projections, interpretations, analysis. Have at it! Delve into this salad of your dreams!
A small (or large! depending on your perspective) group of basically strangers met one recent Saturday morning to do just that, explore the meaning of this and other dreams. This group of fifteen diverse (yeah, diverse, like a lush mix of salads of many different kinds of people!) had never met before in the context of seeking to understand the meaning of dreams. A few folks had known other attendees in other professional and social settings, but, most had never met before. So, this health-food mix of diverse salad people shared their wisdom, their life experiences, and their dreams.
Curious as to how exploring a dream is done? Curious as to what affect exploring a dream has on a dreamer? If a dream means something, anything…so what? Can a dream influence some one’s life? Can a dream change a life? Can a dream affect more than the dreamer? Can a dream influence a group, a family, a community, a nation, the world? How kookie is that?
A dream changing the world?
Well, on that recent Saturday, we explored these questions and more. We explored, borrowed and “projected” our own perceptions onto the dream that was partially described above. But, don’t worry, no animals or humans or other living things were harmed in this production. And, you may do this at home! Curiosity and openness are all you need, plus one or two very trusted listeners and fellow explorers. Be the first kid on your block to start a dream group and watch your life change, and, maybe, even, change the world…
In a moment, I will share how to go about exploring a dream. But, first, I want to share a most passionate ah-ha I received from this described dream:
The lucious, diverse salad reminded me that we are all in this together. We are all called to the table to feast. We are all alike. I realized how we tend to be impatient…no–how I tend to be impatient and want to devour the lushness of life. One wise (we were all so wise that Saturday!!) participant reflected that she had read, “If all of the world’s people consumed the world’s resources at the same rate that we in the U. S. consume, we would need seven planets to provide the resources for everyone!”
Are you kidding? We need seven planets? Quick! Someone look that up! Did that dream about salads and servants and people feasting with formal manners have anything to say about changing the way our planet or nation consumes? Aw, c’mon!! A dream is just a dream…isn’t it?
Dreams mirror us and we mirror our dreams.
Think about it. The dream never lies.
Now, if you would like to explore your dreams with a group of trusted friends, here is your recipe for your own dream group:
1) Take a dream, any dream, and promise yourself that no matter how weird, embarrassing, boring or scary, you will be curious as to how your dream may be seeking to speak to you with new insights and change.
2) Find at least one other person, maybe more and, preferably, folks you can trust, and make a promise to listen to each other with confidentiality and without judgement.
3) Share your dream, warts and all.
4) The listeners will then “borrow” your dream, taking the dream as if it were their dream and using the gentle phrase from Jeremy Taylor’s esteemed work (www.jeremytaylor.com), simply go around your circle completing this phrase as often as necessary : “If this were my dream, I…”.
5) While the dreamer listens, the others take turns “projecting”, using the above phrase to go deeper and deeper into the meanings of your dream.
6) When all seem done, you get to speak and share your ah-has, of what felt on-target for you from what was shared. Everybody wins and learns about themselves, for it was every-body’s dream!
7) Now, the group is invited to wonder and project about “what is this dream calling us to be about in our world, our family, our city, our community, our world?” No dream comes just to the individual alone. The dream, as has been true since the very beginnings of humanity, comes for “the clan”, “the tribe”, the community, the nation, the world.
Part of the discussion on this recent Saturday imagined a playful, yet profound and uplifting scene: What if the Mayor or the City Council of some community were to have a period of discussion during a meeting and the Mayor or Council Member were to ask the audience, “Well, I had this dream recently and I would like it if you in the audience would borrow it and tell me that, if this were your dream, what might the dream be bidding us to do or explore?” Is that nuts or what? What if our President, at one of his famous town hall meetings were to do the same? WOW! Crazy! Get outa here!
And amazing…??
So, dream well, my friends…and dream outside the box…away from those “formal” manners of dining…
Your wholeness, our world’s wholeness depends upon your dream.
Blessings this month,
Royce
(ps–I have several articles on my website to assist you in further exploring your dreams, just go to www.LivingWithmeaning.com .)
*************************
For more information or to schedule a session, workshop, or for a retreat, feel free to contact me at drfitts@livingwithmeaning.com
D. Royce Fitts, D. Min., LMHP, LMFT
PO Box 363
Gering NE 69341
t) 308.436.2224
c) 308.631.2398
*************************
Free Monthly Newsletter
July 2009
YOUR INNER SUMMER !
Keeping Your Cool When Others Make You Hot!!
by Dr. D. Royce Fitts,
Spiritual Counselor and Psychotherapist
Tel: 308.436.2224
Contents:
I. First a Story About You!
II. How to be Coooool…no matter what!
******
I. About You!
July on the prairie. Temperatures soar into the 90s, even beyond the 100s. Summer storms sweep across the land. Rain. Wind. Hail. Tornadoes on the Weather Channel! (Yea! We’re famous!) And then, almost as if ordered by angels, calmness comes…quietly. Early morning songs from tiny wrens, robins and meadow larks invite a kind of blessed meditation that life, even with all its harshness, heart-ache and pain is still “good enough”…
Can you believe that?
How do you handle your “inner summer”? How do you deal with the normal and abnormal stuff of life? How do you deal with those times, those minutes, hours, days and even months of strains and stresses that make a mid-summer’s storm seem like a small breeze in comparison to the way you are affected by others, your colleagues, neighbors, family members, supervisors, bosses?
How do you keep your cool when others make you hot?
A mid-summer’s nightmare?
No matter your present place in life at this moment, no matter how bad your job is, no matter how bad your relationship is, no matter how bad the bad is…you can survive it. Not without scars, perhaps; not without tears, perhaps; not without deep pain and fear, perhaps. You can survive. Even thrive…
(“Cheeze! Royce!”, you may be thinking, “what kind of pessimistic newsletter is this, anyway?”)
I gave a seminar the other day with some salt-of-the-earth folks who are most extraordinary because they are so like you, like me, so ordinary. Folks who, like you, like me are just trying to be and do their best in life. Trying to earn a living, trying to pay bills, trying to enjoy life a bit, trying to raise children, trying to make some meaning in life, some purpose with beauty, adventure, joy…like you, like me.
These folks work for a small prairie city, employees working in public service to help a small town work…so toilets flush and waste goes where it is supposed to and not pollute the land, so water can be sprinkled on thirsty flowers and nourish the city parks for children and other living things, so the streets and alleys are safe and drivable, maybe without potholes, too! So the graveyard is cared for and beautiful to reflect the beauty of loved ones who have gone before…so citizens can be protected by the police and live in safety…ordinary life, ordinary people…
Except, they get yelled at…by other ordinary folks, like you, like me…yelled at, put down, criticized for being “brain dead”, for wasting tax money on worthless projects…on and on. One kind city employee described how she was verbally assaulted by a deli counter person at one of the local grocery stores for some decision the city counsel had made…what?? She, the city employee, handles some billing for some city department…not for what the city counsel decides. But, it did not matter to the deli counter person…you know what I mean? In a slight twist of an awful racist phrase sometimes used, “ya’ know, they all look alike, those city employees…” Prejudice, judgementalism, cruelty, woundedness comes in all forms…
How do you keep your cool when others make you hot?
II. How to be Coooool…no matter what!
Sometimes I am good at it, sometimes not. Probably the same for you, as well. Here are some ideas that I shared with these city employees. Some of these ideas, not mine originally, are from a concept of communication and psychotherapy that is known as “family systems”. I invite you to explore these ideas through you using your favorite search engine…it’ll be fun! I love this approach in dealing with the difficult stuff of life. I was trained in it in my doctoral studies a century or so ago. Powerful stuff, it is…and simple and hard, hard and simple to get and do…
Here are some highlights and tips (revised a bit) from the seminar:
What is this all about?? I’m just trying to do my job, then someone yells at me and all of a sudden I can’t think clear!
1) It’s a thing called “projection and displacement” …fancy words for saying “you just got dumped on…”
Projection is a normal, mostly unconscious process that we all do. It is sort of like we all have a “movie camera” inside of us that makes up movie stories and projects the story on the movie screen that, also, just happens to be another person! (Yikes!)
Example: Your lover looks at you, then looks away. What are you thinking? He disapproves of something? She is shy? Your likely first reaction/thought is called a projection. To stop the projection, you need to ask your partner, check it out with her…ask him what the looking away meant?
Displacement is a reaction when someone takes a feeling from one area of their life and “places” that feeling in another, usually unrelated, area of their life.
Example: You are emotionally hurt at work by a comment from your supervisor. You do not know how to solve this problem with your supervisor. You feel insecure, hurt, angry, confused. You go home and are distant from your husband, even act angry at him. For once, it is not your husband’s fault! (-: This is displacement.
2) Underneath all the dumps and the frustrations is an important, maybe the most important insight, of your job and life…it is called anxiety. You are born with it. It is an instinct for “fight or flight”. There is no cure. If you are human, you got it.
Example: A sabre-tooth tiger lurks outside your cave. Whaddayagonnado?? Fight or flight? Anxiety is healthy!
3) Our job, no matter what, is to manage anxiety. Manage it, manage it, manage it.
Example: Your partner was kindly helping you wash the dishes. Her hand slips off the china plate and it goes crashing to the floor, breaking into many pieces! You, for once, are one cool cat. You act calm. You do not get reactive. It is just a (very valuable, rare, stolen artifact taken from the tomb of the last emperor of the Ming dynasty!) plate…you manage, not cure, your anxiety. Good luck with that…
Remember the kind city employee who was verbally assaulted by the deli counter person in the story above? She had to deal with all of these things (projection, displacement, anxiety) from the counter person in the space of a twinkling of a star! Plus, she had to deal with all of these things from within herself, too! Crazy, huh? We do it all the time…She got an “A”. What do you think? What would you get?
How to Keep Your Cool and Not Get a Heart Attack (and, maybe, even have fun doing it!)
1) Instinct vs. Non-Anxious Response
OK, in simple terms that even I might understand: Anxiety is an instinct. A non-anxious response is a way to “put on the shelf” the instinctual anxiety and act in a calmer manner. It is not about not feeling anxious! It is about making a choice to act calm, even when I feel like I do not want to or that I can’t! Here is a great thought: Alcoholics Anonymous has a powerful statement that is, at first thought, kind of weird: “Fake it till you make it.”
2) Thinking vs. Feeling
I often tell clients and, even more, tell myself, that we cannot stop feeling the feelings. We can, though, learn to coach ourselves to not let ourselves be ruled and act from our feelings. We can learn to use our “healthy” thoughts to be our guide to act in healthier ways.
3) Catch Calmness! It’s contagious!
Remember, it is not about feeling to act calm, it is about choosing to act calm. Anxiety is contagious, you knew that. So is calmness.
Coach Yourself To Victory!
You are your own best coach.
Survival Tips:
Remember, all you can do is do your best. Since you know that you will likely be a target of “projection and displacement”, plan ahead! Have a calm response ready to use. If you can improve your non-anxious responses by 10%, would that be OK? Some family system folks believe that just 10% improvement can tip the balance for the best. What do you think? What if you could even move that percentage up to, say, 25%?
Use healthy humor (not angry sarcasm). Humor works great to deflect other people’s dumping anxiety on you.
Yes, anxiety is an instinct! It is automatic. It is like an infection and it is contagious.
Calmness is a choice, not a feeling! It is not an instinct. Calmness is contagious, too! Act calm, act calm, act calm.
Give up trying to change another person! Change yourself! Change yourself! Change yourself!
Regulate yourself. All you can control is you.
If there is conflict, this is a good sign. Listen. Be respectful. Reflect what you hear the other person saying. Manage/regulate yourself.
Keep yourself growing healthy. Do things that help you grow. Do healthy things that help you release stress. It is sort of like this: “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” What does it take for you to be happy (healthy)?
Expect sabotage from others when you are doing the right thing. Sabotage is normal. Crisis is normal.
It is OK to take a stand for what you believe is the right and healthy thing to do. This is healthy leadership. Do not expect you can do this without conflict. Do your best to keep the conflict healthy and respectful. Keep yourself calm, manage yourself, regulate yourself.
Respond, not react.
Hang out with motivated people, not un-motivated.
Suffering is a part of life and often hurts. Spend suffering wisely.
May you do your best to choose calmness this day!
Blessings,
Royce
—————————————————————————————————————————————————–
For a counseling session, to do a workshop, or for retreat info; please contact me at www.LivingWithMeaning.com.
D. Royce Fitts, D. Min.
PO Box 363 Gering, NE 69341 Tel: (308) 436.2224 Cell: (308) 631.2398
Click the button to view my LinkedIN profile
